Pokémon: Remastered
by Mr. Lefty
Summary: Your eyes do not deceive you, this is an actual update! Ash sets out after a shipwreck and meets a new companion. Meanwhile, an evil conspiracy is being formed...This is a humorous and yet dramatic retelling of Ash's adventures in Hoenn.
1. Onward, to Hoenn!

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokémon, nor do I own Wal-Mart. Kind of a pity, isn't it?

**_Pokémon: Remastered_**: Ash's adventures in Hoenn, rewritten by yours truly

The sun set over the moutains in the land of Kanto, creating a luminous shade of orange over the western range that separated the nations of Kanto and Johto. It was such a bright sunset that it even illuminated the hills to the east. Mt. Silver, the tallest peak on the continent shared by the two countries, was bathed in an eerie light that made it seem far more imposing than it was in the daytime.

Back in the western land of Johto, its Pokémon League had ended the day before, and everyone was either leaving or buying souvenirs. The Pokémon League was a place where trainers from around the world could take their Pokémon and battle them against other Pokémon. It wasn't a matter of just letting the two creatures battle it out solo, however. The trainer had to give his or her Pokémon certain commands. If the Pokémon obeyed, it would execute a move either to damage the opponent Pokémon or heal itself. Once one Pokémon fainted from exhaustion, the other won the match.

To many, especially animal rights groups, it sounds brutal, but if a Pokémon faints, all it needs is a rest in its Poké Ball and, if necessary, a short stay at a Pokémon center, which is like a hospital for Pokémon (no, really?).

A Pokémon trainer named Ash Ketchum stood at the intersection of a forked path that led to a few major cities in Kanto, Ash's home country. He had just competed in the Johto League, and placed in the Top 8, which, out of 128 trainers, was quite a feat. Ash absentmindedly patted his Pikachu, a Pokémon reminiscent of a yellow mouse, on the head as he stared forward solemnly toward the low hills before him. Standing with him were his best friends Brock, whose ambition was to become a great breeder of Pokémon, and Misty, who wanted to be a trainer of Pokémon that were water-based.

The reason for the general air of soberness was that Brock and Misty both had business that needed attending to at the Pokémon gyms back in their hometowns of Pewter and Cerulean City. Pokémon gyms were establishments where the trainer battled the leader of that gym in order to win a badge that would let the trainer gain entrance to the Pokémon League. Brock and Misty had traveled with Ash through both Kanto and Johto and helped him to achieve his goal of competing in various Pokémon Leagues. On the way, they had kept Team Rocket, a crime organization, at bay, and formed an indivisible friendship (with each other, not Team Rocket). While Brock and Misty did stuff at their respective gyms, Ash was going to travel to the faraway land of Hoenn to capture new Pokémon and compete in the Hoenn League.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye," said Misty sadly to her male companions.

"Yeah," said Brock. "And I won't be able to flirt with girls if I'm taking care of my siblings." Brock had seven brothers and sisters that his father was taking care of right now, but his father wanted him to return and check up on things.

"Oh, for the love of..." Misty said, rolling her eyes. She found Brock's habit of constant flirtation rather embarrassing and irksome.

"Oh, wait a sec, Ash," said Brock. "Before I go, I want to give you this," he said, holding up a small box. "It comes complete with silverware and food, all at the low, low price of just ten dollars!"

"Brock!" Misty scolded.

"Just kidding!"

"I want to give you this, too," said Misty. She held a brightly colored handkerchief.

"Thanks," Ash said. "What is it?"

"It's a handkerchief, Einstein."

"Oh. That's what I thought. Is it so I can gag Team Rocket or what?"

"It's a memento so you will always carry a bit of me with you," said Misty sentimentally.

"...Ah."

"Boys," Misty muttered under her breath.

"Here," said Ash. "I'm going to give you my Pokémon League commemorative hat, then." Ash took off his prized topper and handed it to Misty.

"Why?" she asked quizzically.

"Because it's a memento thing, blah blah blah, et cetera, et cetera."

"Are you making fun of me?" Misty questioned.

"Oh, I would never dream of such a thing," Ash smiled.

"I'm gonna miss you, Ash," Misty said, suddenly wrapping her arms around Ash, much to his astonishment.

"Um, sure," Ash said rather awkwardly.

"I'll be seein' you, Ash," Brock said.

"Yeah," said Misty, turning away. "I've got something in my eye..." she muttered. And with that, Brock turned and walked along the road to Pewter City, and Misty, with one last glance backward, sped via her bicycle to Cerulean City.

Ash stood, watching his friends depart for a few seconds, and then, when they were both out of sight, the young Pokémon trainer slowly and sadly walked back toward Pallet Town.

O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O

"Is he here yet?"

"I think I see him!"

"That's a stick, imbecile."

"Hey, anyone could have made that mistake!"

"Mime!"

"Quiet, everyone, here he comes!"

Ash Ketchum opened the door to find his house dark and silent. He fumbled for the light switch for a minute, and when the phenomenon of electric lighting kicked in...

"SURPRISE! Welcome back, Ash!"

Standing before the trainer were four entities: his mom, Delia; Professor Oak, the researcher who had given him Pikachu in the first place; Tracey Sketchit, a Pokémon artist whose name was one big pun; and Mr. Mime, Ash's mom's "housekeeper" who happened to be a Pokémon.

Ash stood in a state of shock for a minute, and then said: "You didn't need to throw me a party, you guys. After all, you saw me in the Johto League, so it's not like you missed me a whole lot in three weeks."

"But I made a cake!"

"Well, since you put it that way..." Ash ambled to the table, cut a small sliver of cake, and put everything else on his plate.

"So, Ash," asked Professor Oak, "what are you going to do next?"

"Well, I was thinking, since I fought that Blaziken thing in the Johto League, that I should go to Hoenn and compete in the Hoenn League."

"Yes, good idea, but there's just one thing." When Ash asked what, the scientist replied, "Hoenn is extremely weird."

"It can't be weirder than Kanto or Johto," Ash said.

"You'd be surprised," responded the biologist. "Their ads are actually catchy and funny, and not just the first time you see them. Store clerks say weird things, and the president wears Hawaiian clothes to debates. Also, their cars use hydrogen and stuff as power, which wouldn't be so weird in itself, but without the need for a hood, some cars are built very strangely. I saw a car that was a perfect sphere, another that was a perfect cube, and one looked like a giant rabbit."

"Cool!"

"Ah, but the list goes on. Hoenn is divided into many states, which makes for many different and strange cultures. Politicians do deodorant ads," Ash chuckled to himself as he tried to imagine Bob Dole on an Old Spice commercial. "but the weirdest thing is that some people eat hamburgers," Oak finished.

"What's so weird about that?" Ash asked, puzzled.

"With extra mayonnaise."

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"But, the Hoenn League is quite a good experience and there are many species of rare Pokémon that can be found nowhere else. So, what do you say?"

"I say...we're going to Hoenn!" Ash yelled eagerly, looking at his Pikachu, who emitted a cry of "Pikapika!"

"Excellent. A ferry leaves for Hoenn tomorrow, so you'll need to pack quickly."

"Here, Ash," Delia Ketchum said. "I bought you these new clothes for your new adventure." She produced a new hat with a green Poké Ball on it, black pants, and a hooded sweater with the same green Poké Ball logo as the hat.

"What's wrong with the clothes I have?" protested Ash.

"Well, for one thing, these new clothes are clean," said his mother.

"But I washed my clothes last Sunday!"

"True, but most would interpret that phrase as, Sunday, August 22, 2004, not Sunday, January 6, 2002. And if I recall correctly, I forced you to let me wash them."

"Oh, fine." Ash tried on the new clothes, which fit nicely.

"Hey," interrupted Tracey. "I haven't had a line this whole scene, and frankly, I'm fed up with it!"

"Ok, Tracey, what would you like to say?" asked Mrs. Ketchum politely.

"Um...I dunno, I don't really have anything planned out...cheese monkey beavers...or some other type of lettuce..."

"Um, mom," Ash whispered to his mother. "Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I think I'll be glad to be on the road again."

"Don't worry, honey, I understand perfectly."

Ash awoke the next morning with a feeling of anticipation in his stomach. Or maybe that was hunger, as he hadn't had breakfast yet. He ran downstairs to where his mother was cooking eggs and bacon. After polite breakfast conversation, he kissed his mom goodbye, and sped out of the door to Pallet's seaport, stopping only to drop off all his Pokémon except Pikachu at Professor Oak's lab. He glanced one last time at his hometown before stepping onboard the ferry to a new and different land.

O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O

"Now, then, is everything clear?"

"For the hundredth time sir, yes! We go to Hoenn, carry out our crime spree across major cities, and, while the people are vulnerable and afraid, we take control of the government, and then, the world!"

"Well, I was referring to the ordering of my latte, but that works too! Muahahahahahaha!"

"Muahahahahahaha!" the subordinate joined in.

"Stop laughing maniacally and get me my latte!"

"Muahaha-...uh, yes, sir."

O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O

I hope everyone liked that chapter; I know it's not very funny yet, but bear with me! I bet you'll never guess who was laughing maniacally; in fact, I'm 99.8 sure that no one will get it. So, until next time, read and review, please!

"I think so, Brain, but how will we get the monkey to use dental floss?"

-Pinky, from "Pinky and the Brain"


	2. Introductions, etc

Disclaimer: The Pokémon is not of owning by that which is myself.

_**Pokémon: Remastered**_

Chapter Beta: Introductions, etc.

"_Will Aqua Admin Shelly please report to me office_," the voice of Archie, the big boss of the crime organization known as Team Aqua rang out over the sub-aquatic complex's P.A. system. Though Archie had long ago forsaken his life as a plundering pirate on the high seas to become a more organized and subtler pirate, traces of his stereotypical cartoon-like accent were still evident in his speech.

Shelly, the aforementioned admin, sighed. This was the third time today that the "Blackbeard-wanna-be", as many in the team called him, had summoned her into his office to give her some trivial task such as fetching him corn flakes or a donut. "Not with too much frosting or sprinkles, but not so little that it doesn't completely cover the top".

She passed by a window in the building, and paused momentarily to look at the sea life swimming around. Yes, the entire building was completely underwater; one might say it was like an aquarium with humans instead of fish. An air pump that led above ground supplied all the oxygen that everyone needed. The reason for the hydrophilia was that Team Aqua was a criminal organization devoted to their lifetime effort of trying to expand the planet's ocean to make room for more habitats for ocean-dwelling Pokémon and animals. This doesn't really sound criminal, but they were willing to do anything to accomplish this goal. _Anything_.

The door to Archie's office creaked open as Shelly entered the "octagonal office". Archie and his weird sense of humor had ordered the office to have exactly eight equal-sized walls and corners. "You wanted to see me, sir?" she asked, appearing nervous for the purpose of humoring Archie, but with mostly irritation and exasperation on the inside.

"Yes, I wanted to see you, so I could order ye to-"

"-don't tell me," Shelly finished angrily. "Get you some espresso? Warm milk? Escargot?"

"Well, some escargot might be nice, but what I really wanted to ask ye is if you'd like to go on a secret mission for me."

"A secret mission?" she almost whispered in disbelief.

"Yes. I would like you to disguise yourself as a Team Magma agent, and see if you can find out what those losers are planning." Team Magma was Team Aqua's rival crime organization. Their goal was to augment the Earth's solid ground in order to create more habitats for land-dwellers. This was obviously infuriating to pro-water people.

"R-really?" she stammered. "Oh, I'd be happy to! You won't regret this!" And with that, Shelly exited the strangely built office, leaving Archie muttering,

"You'd better not make me regret it, or else. I don't want another December 18, 1996. It took us months to wipe up the stains from the popcorn butter..."

O O O O O O O O O O O O O O CANADAAA O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O

Ash Ketchum stepped on board the _S.S. Blackcat _that was set to leave for Hoenn in ten minutes. He would have gotten there faster had he not had to stop for lunch, a post-lunch snack, a post-after-lunch snack, and a post-post-after-lunch snack. _My luck must be improving, _he thought, not noticing the boat's unfortunate epithet. _Usually, I have to jump and catch the boat at the very last minute._ He noticed that the boat was not very crowded. The only people on deck at the moment were a rich couple, a movie star, a more average-looking girl, a scientist in a white lab coat, a sailor, and a guy in red with a dorky hat.

"_Hello, everybody,_" the captain's voice emitted from the ship's intercom. "_This is your captain, Brian Anderson, speaking. Your captain is certainly not Arturo de Caballo, the infamous illegal alpaca dealer, and this ship is set to depart to Hoenn. Regular, northern Hoenn. This vehicle is by no means going to South Hoenn for the purpose of illegally dealing alpacas. Yep, there's nothing suspicious going on aboard this ship. No alpacas stored in the hold or anything, so there's no need to, like, go down there or anything. Um, yeah. 'K, bye._"

The ship's passengers stared for a minute, and then they all returned to happily chatting on how exciting it would be on the "three hour tour".

"Pikapi! Pikapika..." Pikachu chirped, tugging on Ash's shirt.

"It's OK, Pikachu," Ash said. "There's no need to worry. The captain said that he's a respectable guy who's not illegally dealing alpacas, and this ship's going to regular, northern Hoenn."

"Pika..." The Pokémon didn't seem reassured.

The ship's whistle blew, signaling the vessel's departure. Ash let the light sea breeze blow in his face, providing a little relief from Pallet Town's high humidity that was very common this time of year. As he let out a small sigh, he had no idea the bad luck that would later befall him...

O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O

"Arturo¿trajiste las alpacas?" asked a mysterious voice on the ship's screen.

"Sí," responded the correspondent.

"Bueno," replied the mysterious figure, and with that, he terminated communication with the mariner.

"Man, that guy scares me," the seafarer, Arturo, said after the weird other guy had left. "It's like he strategically places himself so he can get just the right lighting to make himself look evil." Arturo himself wasn't really evil, only kind of evil. One might say he was more greedy than evil.

"Man, that guy scares me," the seafarer, Arturo, said after the weird other guy had left. "It's like he strategically places himself so he can get just the right lighting to make himself look evil." Arturo himself wasn't really evil, only kind of evil. One might say he was more greedy than evil.

"alp4c4S ist teh sux0r" emitted another person in the cabin who looked to be rather old, and who was currently holding a block of Monterey Jack cheese.

"Oh, sorry, Donny, I forgot to turn off your Leet function," Arturo said, flicking a switch on the robot called Donny's main circuit board. "Now, what were you saying?"

"I was saying," said Donny, "that I don't know if this alpaca dealing is worth it. I mean, it doesn't pay that well, and you're not exactly doing a great job of concealing that said unscrupulous profession."

"Oh, what do you know?" snapped Arturo. "You're an animatronic clone of a politician. At least I didn't buy that one named Richard…" Suddenly, there was a knock on the cabin's door.

"Hello?" a boy with a Poké Ball hat and a Pikachu poked his head through the cabin's door. "Is this the refreshment room?"

"Um…yeah, this is the, er, cheese room," said Donny, now eating a block of Swiss cheese.

"Hey, aren't you a politician?" asked the boy.

"No, I'm an animatronic clone of one. There's a difference!"

"Oh," said the boy indifferently. "So, can I have cheese or what?"

"No! Mine!" the robot snapped.

"You'll have to excuse Donny. He's a bit…possessive of his dairy products. Um, I'm your captain, Art…uh, I mean, Brian Anderson, who is not by any means Arturo de Caballo, the infamous alpaca dealer. Who are you?"

"The name's Ash Ketchum. I'm going to Hoenn to become a Pokémon Master!" the boy shouted triumphantly.

"Ah, living out the nauseatingly overrated Kantoese dream, are we?"

"Yep, sure am…hey, wait a minute!" Ash cried indignantly. "It is not overrated! You get to do all sorts of cool stuff, like travel, and meet people, and see new types of Pokémon!"

"Pika pika!" Pikachu joined in.

"Oh, really?" asked Arturo. "Then, do you think you could beat me in a Pokémon battle?"

"Huh?"

"Yeah, you heard me. C'mon, one-on-one, you can do it! That is, unless you're chicken…" Arturo mocked.

"I'm not chicken! You're on!"

"Excellent. Heh heh. Go! Swampert!" Arturo released a Poké Ball containing a large, blue, fish-like creature.

"Good thing Professor Oak updated my Pokédex," Ash said to himself. He pulled out a red cell-phone shaped gadget, which said effeminately:

"Swampert. The Mud Fish Pokémon. It likes to swim with its powerful arms. Although, I don't know why I should be telling you this. What have you ever done for me? All you men think about are yourselves. I'll have you know that just the other day, Jeanette said her husband actually cooked…"

"Geez, what's the deal?" Ash said. "Dexter never did this. Oh, here's the problem. Professor Oak upgraded SuperScientist 8.0 to NaggingWife 1.5. And that lucky bastard Gary got VegasShowgirl 36.24.36," sighed the aspiring Pokémon Master.

"Ahem, can we start now?" said "Brian" impatiently.

"Yeah! Go, Pikachu!" Ash directed his yellow mouse off his shoulder and into the makeshift arena.

"Swampert! Use Water Gun!" the captain yelled.

"Dodge it, Pikachu!"

And so it went for a while; one would order their Pokémon to execute an attack, and the other would tell theirs to evade it. This continued until…

"Pikachu! Quick Attack!" The attack that the electricity-based rodent threw out hit Swampert squarely in the head, knocking him out.

"Return, Swampert," Arturo said resentfully, his Poké Ball emitting a red light that pulled Swampert inside.

"Ha! I knew I could beat you!" Ash yelled triumphantly, patting Pikachu on the head for a job well done.

"Yes, very nice, you two," said Donny, who had been sitting quietly the whole time, eating a hunk of Edam, "but it doesn't matter, for we have reached our destination."

"Hoenn? Already?" Ash cried eagerly, looking out the window for a glimpse.

"No, not Hoenn, dear boy," said the boat driver, "but the precise spot out at sea where I, Arturo de Caballo, stuff you in the hold with the rest of my ill-gotten gains."

"You mean you're the alpaca dealer? I never would have suspected a thing!" Ash gasped.

"I would never have suspected that you're such an idiot," retorted Arturo. "Donny! Lock him in the hold!"

Donny heaved Ash over his shoulder, like a parent would a screaming child. They walked down a few flights of stairs until they reached a heavy looking wooden door. "In here," said Donny, and threw the hapless Ash into the dank room that the door concealed.

Ash surveyed his surroundings with a look of distaste. There were alpacas in every corner of the room, not to mention the byproducts of said animals. Anyone else in his position would have thought the situation was fairly hopeless, but years of "fairly hopeless" situations had taught Ash to never deem anything as "hopeless". One could almost see the productive, if a bit rusty, gears turning in the trainer's head as he formulated an escape plan…

O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O

May Maple sped along the gentle hills of Littleroot Town on her brand new, shiny red bicycle. It was a gift from her father for her birthday, but the gift she liked the best by far was the Pokémon Trainer's License that those of age could possess and, by having it, could train Pokémon. May wasn't in it for the battling aspect, though. She had always been a bit of a nomadic soul,and now she could wander as much as her heart desired.

She was so absorbed in this reverie that she failed to notice the Pokémon that had just appeared in front of her. She screamed, and swerved to avoid it, thereby falling off her set of wheels and skidding in the dirt. It was a rather dumb move, as the Pokémon in question was a Duskull, a Ghost type that possessed the ability to become transparent and allow solid objects to pass through it.

May brushed the dirt off her knees and shakily stood up. She had forgotten the first rule of cycling, nay, life: always pay attention. She stood her bike back up, and raced down the incline toward the house and laboratory of Professor Birch, a renowned Pokémon researcher who had befriended her family when they had moved in.

She knocked on his door, and, when no one answered, opened it herself. "Hello?" she called. "I wonder where he's gone to?" she asked aloud.

"May? Is that you?" a voice asked.

"Professor?" the girl inquired.

"No, it's Frank," the person replied.

"Oh." Frank was one of Professor Birch's aides.

"If you're looking for the prof, he's gone out to do some field research."

May was not surprised by this tidbit of information; Professor Birch was a very hands-on kind of guy. He preferred the open outdoors to the confines of his lab. "Ok, thanks," she said, and went out to find the researcher.

She had not gone far when she heard the classic line of: "Jane! Stop this crazy thing!" garnished with assorted expletives and obscenities. She figured that could only be Birch. May wondered if he had tried to use the sewing machine on his pants while he still had them on again, but, upon closer inspection, she saw that there was a mouthful of teeth attached to the seat of his trousers. The teeth were attached to a Poochyena, a dog-like Pokémon who refused to release the hapless scientist from his maw.

"May! Is that you?" Birch shouted. "Help me!"

"How?" she asked back.

"Look in my backpack! There are some Poké Balls there that might help."

May did as he said, and saw three Poké Balls that had fallen out and were now lying on the ground. "Now what?" she questioned.

"Use one of the Pokémon inside!"

"Umm…" May grabbed the middle Ball, and threw it into the air like she had seen professional battlers do on TV. An emanation of red light materialized from the Poké Ball, and it formed into an orange baby chick (the fowl kind).

"Ok, now what do I do?" May inquired further.

Professor Birch was starting to get frustrated with the ignorance that this girl was displaying about the world of Pokémon. "Make it use an attack!"

"Like what?"

"I don't know, Ember!"

"Ok, then, use Ember!" May commanded the tiny fowl. It did as she said, only May was the one getting torched. "Not on me, on the Poochyena!" The Pokémon then released a torrent of flames that charred the offending dog to a crisp. It ran off yelping and whining.

"Whew," Birch breathed in relief, but that was quickly replaced by an "Aaa!" as he surveyed the damage done to his pants. He looked at May, and said: "Thank you, Mario, but our princess is in another castle!" Birch's jokes were a bit odd sometimes.

"Excuse me?" May said, quite confused.

"Um, sorry. Come back to my lab for a minute, will you?" May followed Professor Birch back to his establishment of studying, and went into a large room with several hi-tech gadgets, widgets, gizmos, thingamabobs, whatchamacallits, and doohickeys. "Now, May," the Professor began, "there comes a time in every young woman's life when she must…oh, wait, wrong speech. Ahem. May, I believe the time has come for you to choose a starting Pokémon; in other words, a Pokémon that will be your first one." The professor grabbed the three Poké Balls that had been lying on the ground during the Poochyena incident. "Now, then, you have a choice of three Pokémon: Treecko, Torchic, and Mudkip. Just so you know, Torchic was the one you released during the time I was being mauled by that rogue Poochyena."

May thought for a moment. "Can I see the other two?" she asked.

"Sure," Professor Birch said, tossing two Poké Balls in the air. Out of the Poké Balls popped a green lizard-like Pokémon and a blue fish-like Pokémon. "May, meet Treecko and Mudkip. They're Grass and Water types, respectively."

"Um…I dunno…" May said hesitantly. "They're sort of creepy. They bring back long-repressed childhood memories of when I was camping and got attacked by a thousand-pound aquatic mutant iguana. As I recall, we've never camped near that 'Chernobyl' place again."

"I suppose that means you want Torchic, yes?" Birch asked.

"Yeah, sure," May said indifferently. "All I want is to get out of this rathole, though," she muttered under her breath.

"Oh, goody!" Birch said giddily. "Your parents would be so proud…" he broke off, weeping.

"Uh, last time I checked, my parents were still alive…"

"Oh. Well, it never hurts to be prepared."

May exited the laboratory, breathed in the muggy and humid air, and mounted her shiny red bicycle. Visions of the territory ahead danced in her mind. She had hardly ever seen anything other than the fairly unimpressive geography of Johto, and she was eager to see the natural majesty that Hoenn was so famous for. And even though she was in Hoenn right now, she didn't figure that the boring town of Littleroot counted as spectacular scenery.

As she rode off toward the north, adventure on the mind, she had no idea just how much adventure she'd get…


	3. Evil Goings On

Disclaimer: These things are annoying, so just assume that I don't own anything that Nintendo owns for the rest of the chapters.

Pokémon: Remastered

Chapter Gamma: Evil Goings-on

The _S.S. Blackcat_ sailed over the briny sea, its sail rippling in the gentle sea breeze. Several Wingull flew overhead, no doubt searching for a nice, juicy Magikarp.

Inside the captain's cabin, a man with long dark hair was reclining in his seat, chuckling to himself and gazing out at the peaceful waves.

"Aah…finally rid of that meddling kid and his Pikachu. Now, nobody can stop me from delivering those alpacas and setting the world of illegal alpaca trading in motion. All will bow down to me,"

"Arturo de Caballo!"

"What? Who dares interrupt my maniacal monologue?"

"Ash Ketchum!"

"You again!" Arturo yelled angrily. "How did you escape from the hold?"

"You forgot to lock the door."

"Well, normally I'd be impressed, but it took you _five hours_!"

"Yeah, shut up!" Ash made a motion as though he was going to lunge at Arturo. Suddenly, however, he heard a harshly whispered "Pika!" from behind him. Ash looked back and saw that his Pokémon was shaking its head very slightly and had a scolding glint in its eyes. Ash was puzzled, because Pikachu had done the exact same thing on several other occasions where he was about to do something rash. For example, the time he had made a robot in Saffron City drop kick a ball of C4. And the time he had lit a match to find a gas leak. Then it came to him. Pikachu was warning him that whatever he was going to do would be harmful to someone's health, and now, several explosions later, he had finally known his Pokémon's wisdom.

Ash, hoping Pikachu's instinct didn't fail him the next time he caused widespread pandemonium, decided to try an alternative. Ash thought for a moment, then said:

"I thought really evil villains locked the door. I guess you're not a really evil villain," Ash taunted.

"I am too a really evil villain! Isn't that right, Donny?" Unfortunately, Donny was engrossed in stuffing his robotic face with a wheel of Gouda.

"Ha! More like a slightly mediocre villain if you ask me," laughed the trainer.

Arturo didn't take that comment very well.

"Gasp! How dare you call me a slightly mediocre villain! I will now explain to you the reasons why I am a really evil villain and not a slightly mediocre villain! Reason one: I almost fatally injured somebody once. I was skateboarding and I almost crashed into an old man. I swerved just in time and dodged him and the old man never knew what happened, but it is with great pride that I think of that day that took place in a less complicated time, where people walked to the corner store to buy a loaf of bread every day, and every night would put fifteen huge logs on the fire, and when the house burned down the fire department would say, 'No problem, we'll reimburse you,' and at school the teachers would hit kids over the head with a yardstick if they missed the question and in their later years the kids would become raving lunatics that got taken away by men in white coats who would then proceed to…"

While Arturo continued his long, rambling, irrelevant sentence, Ash turned to Pikachu. The clever Pokémon tilted its head towards Donny. Ash understood. The pair slowly inched closer to Donny, engrossed in his consumption of cheese. The Pokémon and trainer were really on a roll today in the way of clever escape plans.

"…which is why softcore porn is technically not illegal on NBC as long as…what are you doing?"

Ash had opened the hapless Donny's fuse box, and Pikachu had charged up a dangerously large amount of electricity just begging to be released.

"Surrender or the robot gets it," Ash said in clichéd gangster movie dialogue.

Arturo began to shake and stammer. "W-What? N-No! Donny is a one of a kind collector's item! And he's an animatron, not a robot! Get it right!"

Pikachu's cheeks sparkled with electricity.

"No! Okay, okay! I surrender! Just don't short-circuit him! He's not insured!"

The "really evil villain," who was now just a pathetic, whimpering baby, slowly sat down on the floor, desperation in his eyes. Ash surveyed his hostage.

"Hmm…" Ash thought aloud. "I need something to tie you up with…ah!" He reached into his pocket, where he found the multicolored handkerchief given to him by Misty. Arturo looked at it dubiously.

"You carry around rainbow-colored bondage?"

"No! It's a handkerchief. I got it from my best friend. Er, best human friend, that is," Ash said, smiling at Pikachu.

"Does this best friend happen to be female?" Arturo inquired.

"What's it to ya?"

"You do know what it means when a girl gives you her handkerchief, don't you?"

"No, what?"

"…Never mind."

A rather puzzled Ash mentally put this on the list of things to ask Brock about the next time he saw him. If Brock told him. Brock wasn't always one-hundred percent truthful in answering Ash's questions.

_Flashback…_

"Brock, what does 'coitus' mean?"

"Uh…it's a type of…obscure pasta…that they only serve at really fancy restaurants. Yeah. Try ordering it sometime. The waiter will be really impressed that you know what it is."

_Back to now…_

"I wasn't allowed in that restaurant again. But I got back at Brock when I told him Nurse Joy wanted to ask him out."

Arturo now was giving Ash a very strange look indeed. "Well, thank you for that completely pointless and irrelevant anecdote, but weren't you going to tie me up? Oh, shoot, why'd I say that?"

Ash, now reminded of what he was doing, took the handkerchief and firmly tied Arturo's hands together behind his back. Satisfied with the knot, Ash then flipped Donny's main power switch. Not that he needed to; cheese was like an opiate for the animatron.

"Wow! I single-handedly ended a corrupt operation and saved three dozen alpacas from a horrible fate," said Ash. "Uh…with a little help, that is," he said, noticing Pikachu's angry expression.

"Yeah, but you forgot one thing," rained Arturo on Ash's parade, "who's going to drive the boat?"

"No problem. I'll drive it!" proclaimed the trainer.

Ash figured that driving a boat wasn't that different from driving a car. He also assumed that driving a real car wasn't that different from driving a Playskool car. So, Ash confidently took hold of the ship's wheel and struck a heroic pose as the cruise ship sailed off into the horizon.

_One day later…_

"Wow, Pikachu! I never thought I'd be this good at sailing!"

The Pokémon would have responded, but it was too busy hanging its head out the window.

"Careful, Pikachu, I wouldn't want you to fall overboard."

In the corner, Arturo was still bound, but he was snoring quietly. Donny was limp and not moving at all, which would make sense seeing as he was shut off.

"Look! Look!"

Arturo's head shot up and his eyes flew open, and Pikachu raised its head from out the window. Both were rather startled by this exclamation.

"Look! I think I can see Hoenn!" Ash was almost literally jumping for joy.

"Pika!" Pikachu seemed very excited as well. In fact, Pikachu was almost always excited when Ash was. It was almost like a mental bond.

"Oh, yeah, Hoenn. Great. Just where I didn't need to go. I could be living the luxurious life of an Andean Pachacuti right now, watching my incredibly sexy servant girls calculate my mountains of wealth on quipus if it weren't for you."

"Yeah, well, you can't win 'em all…"

But, unbeknownst to our heroes, the personification of not being able to win 'em all was lurking beneath the waves…

OOOO

"Pedal faster, James! Time is money! And the faster we get to Hoenn, the faster we'll make mountains of dough!"

"Ungh…y'know, Jessie, it might help us get there faster if you'd help pedal, too…"

"Less talking, more pedaling!"

"I think I've got a cramp…"

As the man and the woman inside a small, pedal-powered, Magikarp-shaped submarine continued to bicker, a small white and brown cat stared through the periscope intently, its tail twitching violently.

"Uh…hey, youse two…I hate ta interrupt ya cat fight," said the obviously not-your-average-cat, "but…WE'RE ABOUT TO CRASH!"

The man stopped pedaling and the woman stopped slave driving.

"See, James? I told you this would happen if you pedaled too fast," the woman said.

But before James could protest, the tiny submarine suddenly came to a violent and jolting stop, sending its inhabitants flying into a wall.

"…Uh…somebody had better go out and give us a damage report," said Jessie.

"No need," said James. "The sub's plated with reinforced titanium. It's indestructible! The least it could have gotten was a tiny dent."

"Oh, yes, so it is. And you said it wasn't a worthwhile investment," laughed Jessie.

"Jessie, you said that. I was the one who broached the idea in the first place," said James.

"Did I ask you?"

"Eh…Jessie? James? The submarine might be indestructible, but I can't say da same for da boat we crashed into," said the cat, looking out the sub's window at a now-sinking ocean liner.

"Uh-oh. I hope we don't get sued again…" said a pale-faced James.

"It wouldn't even be 'again' if _someone_ hadn't decided he wanted to see what would happen when he put nitroglycerin into a car engine!" Jessie said, shooting a dirty look at the cat.

"I can't help it! Cats are naturally curious!" protested the feline.

"Okay, Meowth, Jessie, that's enough arguing, let's just put the past behind us and look forward to better times in a new and different place, hm?" James said brightly.

"Thank you, Richard Simmons, but I just want to get in, get rich, and get out," said Jessie. "Now, keep pedaling!"

OOOO

"Pant…I'm burning up in here! What kind of genius would put a hideout _inside_ a volcano?"

Shelly, one of the higher members of the Team Aqua hierarchy, was sent on a secret mission to the Team Magma headquarters to attempt to find out what their big plans were. If they had big plans, that is. Archie, the head of Team Aqua, wasn't quite sure.

Incognito in a Team Magma grunt getup, Shelly walked down the winding path inside Mt. Hukilakealawao, located on some tropical Hoennese island, trying to ignore the fact that even Super Pantene Advance Mach 4 could fix the amazing frizz that the humidity was doing to her normally impeccable blonde hair. The fact that red-hot bubbling lava surrounded her on two sides didn't help either.

She mentally shrugged it off, however, as this secret mission was far more important than vanity Team Magma was the only obstacle preventing Team Aqua from enacting their ultimate goal. The converse was also true. In a way, the two Teams kept each other in balance so neither of them could do anything monumental.

"You! Halt!"

The Aqua Admin stopped in her tracks. She hadn't realized that she had almost walked past the guards in front of the Magma base, and also inadvertently drawn attention to herself. Not a good thing for a spy to be doing.

"Oh, very sorry," she said. "I was so…excited to be finally going to the Team Magma base that I forgot to look where I was going."

"Why are you here?" one stony-faced guard asked. Shelly, alwaysone able to lie on her feet,told him of her "lifelong aspiration" of being in Team Magma and how much it would mean to her and her "penniless, illness-stricken family" if she could join. All the while she broke into several coughing fits.

The guard looked at his companion dubiously. His companion gave a small shake of his head.

Since the guards obviously didn't fall for sob stories, it was time to switch to Plan B.

Shelly slowly walked away, hanging her head. "Oh...okay...darn..."

But then she quickly turned around and, without warning, kicked the guard on the left in the stomach. Then she delivered several rapid-fire punches to the other one.

"Ow! You hit me in the ear! That's not cool! Ohh..."

Shelly didn't exactly relish the fact that she had just attracted more attention to herself than a neon green elephant in the suburbs, but in her business, you did what you had to.

"Excuse me!" A tall man in a Magma uniform was walking towards her. "Did you just punch out our guards?"

"Uh..." Shelly was nervous. She hoped he would go easy on her.

"That's great! We need someone like you on our team! C'mon, I'll introduce you to the boss."

The Aqua admin was at a loss for words. _Maybe this won't turn out as bad as I thought_. She looked back at the incapacitated guards.

"Oh, man, I'm gonna feel this tomorrow..."

"Oh, shut up. You got your butt kicked by a girl."

OOOO

Finally, an update. I just have a few more things to say, so bear with me.

First, the future of this story. Don't worry, it's not being discontinued. The general overtone will become slightly darker. The funny will still be there, though. Also, I promise that, in Chapter 4 (or Delta), you'll find out who was laughing manically in Chapter 1 (or Alpha).

Next, at the risk of being misunderstood, softcore porn is not and probably never will be legal on NBC. Just so you know. Sorry, guys with basic cable.

Finally, as always, be sure to review. Just press that little bluish "go" button and type in your two cents. Until next update!


	4. The Plot Thickens Like Old Milk

_**Pokémon: Remastered**_

Chapter Delta: The Plot Thickens (Like Old Milk)

Ash Ketchum winced at the flash of light that had suddenly blinded him. It took several minutes before he was able to open his eyes to the point to where he could identify his surroundings. Although his head was pounding, he could faintly make out his sterile-looking, mostly white surroundings. _Last year's New Year's party ain't got nothing on this_, he thought, cringing at another surge of pain.

As he lay in agony and delirium, Ash saw a lady approach him. "Oh, good, you're awake!" she said cheerily. "I was beginning to worry." Upon closer inspection, Ash realized that this was none other than Nurse Joy. _I must be in a Pokémon Center_, he thought. _But how? _For a moment, Ash was delusional enough to wonder if he might be in one of Brock's dreams, but he was coherent enough to rule out that possibility, seeing as this Nurse Joy was wearing clothing.

"Where…am I?" Ash mumbled.

"You're in a Pokémon Center in the south of Hoenn," the nurse replied. "You nearly drowned out in the ocean after your boat crashed. Luckily, some strange folks driving a giant Magikarp brought you here. Speaking of which, have you seen a cash register and some Pokéballs anywhere?"

"How long have I been here?" asked Ash, deciding to change the subject.

"You've been asleep for…_thirty years_!" Nurse Joy responded ominously.

"What?"

"No, just kidding. Sometimes I like to add a little drama, you know. Nah, you've actually only been asleep for three days," she said.

A nagging thought which Ash had been vaguely aware of since he woke up suddenly pushed itself to the forefront of his mind. "Where's Pikachu? Is he okay?" Ash asked, seeming to panic.

"We did find a Pikachu. He's just resting in the next room over," Joy said, allowing Ash to breathe a sigh of relief.

"Did you also find the cast of a TV show and thirty-six alpacas?" Ash inquired, recalling some other details about what had happened previously.

Nurse Joy gave the trainer a look that she once gave a man who was later arrested for doing several different types of drugs. "I think someone swallowed a little too much seawater," she said.

Ash began to protest, but then realized how ludicrous his question probably sounded, and was silent.

After a few hours spent regaining his former vigor, Ash resolved to leave the Pokémon Center and continue his journey. He picked up Pikachu, whose behavior reminded Ash of the morning after the Pokémon had infiltrated the Ketchums' liquor cabinet. After several shocks of electricity given in protest, Pikachu finally agreed to leave.

Once outside, the trainer and his Pokémon both felt a simultaneous prodigious rumbling in their gastric regions. Through unspoken consent, both decided to find some sustenance.

The weather was warm and humid, and palm trees swayed in the light ocean breeze. A group of children ran through the streets, kicking around what looked like a coconut. A quick glance at the GPS-enabled Pokénav revealed that Ash was located in the very Southern tip of Hoenn's southern peninsula. After perusing the small town, Ash spied a small brown-hued building with the word "Sooshi" written in marker adorning the front door. "That looks good, huh, Pikachu?" Ash said, gesturing at the edifice. "I could go for some sushi about now." Pikachu, although possessing an innate alarm signaling that this was a bad idea (which, since it happened so often, he had learned to suppress), the Pokémon knew better than to get between his trainer and his stomach.

Just then, an outrageously dressed man sauntered out of the building and straight into Ash, knocking them both down. The trainer surveyed the odd man. He was tall and skinny, and he wore a shiny, yellow leather disco suit, diamond-studded sunglasses, and a red-and-white afro at least three times the size of his head. "Hey, dude, I think you're lost. The seventies are thirty years that way," said Ash, stifling laughter.

The man simply sniffed and said affrontedly, "Such rudeness!" And with that, the top of the Fashion Police's "Most Wanted" list strutted off into the distance. Ash shook his head and walked toward the restaurant, making sure to get in the last word by shouting "Your mom!"

After ingesting numerous health code violations, Ash exited the dingy joint. "I really felt that the fish entrails on the floor gave it a nice authentic feel, don't you, Pikachu?" said Ash. Pikachu clutched his stomach. "Well, no time to waste, let's go and win that Hoenn League!"

* * *

The man in the red and white afro walked through the jungle, attempting unsuccessfully to avoid catching his hair on branches and shooing away the birds that tried to nest in it. Finally, he came to a tall rock face, to which he shouted, "Honey, I'm home!" Inexplicably, a crude rope ladder dropped from an opening near the top, up which the strange man climbed. 

Upon reaching the top, the afro man was met with another, shorter and fatter man who wore a suit and sported two gray tufts of hair and a mustache. "For the hundredth time, that's not the password," the short man reprimanded the disco man. "I only let the ladder down because nobody else would say something that ridiculous."

"Then what's the difference?" the tall man said, climbing into the cave with the short man. "Besides, I can't help it if I want a little variety every now and then."

The short man just snorted and walked to the rear of the cave. "What were you doing anyway, Miror B.? I told you to go find some coconuts and come right back, which you don't even appear to have done."

"Well, Evice, I was hungry and decided I'd stop for lunch," retorted Miror B.

"In town?" Evice replied incredulously. "How many times have I told you not to make yourself noticed?"

"It's okay, I'm pretty sure no one noticed me except for this one rude kid I ran into. Oh, yeah, and the guy at the sushi place gave me a weird look. Oh, and there was that one guy who…"

"Enough!" interrupted Evice. "It seems you don't understand the gravity of this situation. The authorities from Orre have undoubtedly alerted Hoenn's government of us. If we're caught, we could face life in prison! We're wanted men!" Evice glanced at the living anachronism beside him. "Well…we're wanted, anyway." Miror B. frowned.

"Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before, Mr. Drama Queen. Like someone's going to remember every guy they see with a huge afro and a yellow suit. Pfft, right," snorted Miror B.

Evice glowered darkly at the other man, but said nothing. Suddenly, the Numa Numa song started emanating from Evice's pocket. Looking embarrassed, he quickly procured a cell phone and answered it with a gruff "yes?"

His face quickly lit up when he heard the voice on the other side. "Ah, Ein! Any news?" Evice nodded along with what the other voice was saying, occasionally making affirmative-sounding noises. "So can you give me a timeframe with regard to Project Shadow? ...Good, good," he said after a while. "Very nice. If all goes well, you will be rewarded greatly." And with that, Evice hung up.

He smirked for a few seconds, then began to chuckle. The chuckle quickly gave way to a cackle, which before long became utter maniacal laughter.

"Always with the maniacal laughter!" Miror B. said indignantly. "You just can't do anything else, can you? 'Oh, look, a potted plant, I think I'll laugh maniacally!'" he mocked.

Evice gave him a dark stare, then said, "Well, I think we know who's sleeping outside tonight."

"Wha…no! I'll be mauled by bears! I have back problems, you know!"

* * *

Ash Ketchum, holding a nauseous Pikachu in his arms, strode through the forest, absentmindedly kicking rocks as he kept a close eye out for potential additions to his Pokémon party. It wasn't long before the trainer heard some rustling off in the distance. 

Readying a Pokéball, Ash crept closer to the source of the noise. A tremendous crashing erupted as soon as he got close to it, and Ash found himself staring up into the eyes of a giant robot.

"Run, Pikachu, it's Robot Armageddon! Oh, God, we're all gonna die!" Ash shouted.

"Oh, shut up," the robot said. "There're people in here, twerp."

"Thank goodness. Hey, wait, do I know you?"

Shrill laughter suddenly came from the robot's speaker. "Prepare for trouble!" a female voice inside said.

"And make it…" the male voice cut off when the Pikachu started making faces, and Ash started making rude motions with his hand.

"What are you even doing here anyway, Team Rocket?" Ash demanded.

"Da Boss wants us to set up a Hoenn branch of Team Rocket," said someone whose heavy Brooklyn accent Ash recognized as Meowth's.

"He must not want it very badly," Ash muttered.

"Hey! We saved your life, you know. The least you could do is give us your Pokémon and/or money, if not your respect," said an English voice belonging to James.

"Yeah, why'd you do that, anyway?" queried Ash.

"We've got enough litigation coming our way for sinking that stupid boat without people dying because of it," replied Jessie. "Besides, it's always nice to have something to strive for."

"Is that what our psychologist meant when he said we had Wile E. Coyote complexes?" asked James.

"Listen, I'd love to stay and chat, but…you guys are stupid," said Ash. "Come on, Pikachu."

"Oh, no you don't!" The robot reached down and attempted to grab the yellow rodent, when the latter promptly emitted several bolts of electricity. Aside from soundly scorching the robot and sending Team Rocket "blasting off again," the lightning was also attracted to a metallic bicycle coming towards the source, and it hit with such force that not only was the metal forever warped, but the rider was sent flying and hit the ground right in front of Ash.

When the Pokémon trainer saw the oddly familiar scene of the electrocuted rider and the twisted bike, he knew not whether to laugh or cry at the irony of it all. However, "irony" was not the word in Ash's head; as far as he knew, "irony" was the type of substance he was not supposed to touch his tongue to in the winter.

The rider slowly pushed herself up from the ground. She looked to be about Ash's age, with brown hair restrained by a red bandana, a red shirt with a Pokéball emblem, and a black skirt that reached to mid-thigh. "Oof," she groaned, brushing the dirt off her clothes. When she looked in front of her, she saw Ash, rubbing the back of his neck as he tended to do when he was in an awkward situation.

"Um…I can explain…" he said sheepishly.

The girl looked at him, and at her bike, then gave a dismissive gesture. "Eh…I never liked the thing anyway. Oh, I'm May," she said, extending her hand to Ash.

"Ash Ketchum," the slightly dumbstruck trainer replied.

"I won't make you pay for anything, but I will challenge you to a Pokémon battle instead," May said with a mischievous glint in her blue eyes. "Prepare to get owned, Ash Ketchum!"

As Ash readied Pikachu for battle, he watched May grab a Pokéball from her Pokémon Trainer Utility Belt (®), and shout, "Torchic! Go!"

The ball opened, and what appeared to be a small orange chick materialized in front of it. Ash, never one to pass up a learning experience (unless it taught life lessons or math), pulled out his trusty Pokédex.

"Torchic. The Chick Pokémon. Although small, Torchic can use several powerful Fire-type attacks and is very fast. By the way, we haven't talked in days! I have emotional needs, too, you know! Do you think I'm fat?"

"Ugh…" Ash said as he closed the needy handheld device. "Okay, Pikachu, let's go!"

Pikachu jumped from Ash's arms into the makeshift battlefield across from Torchic. "Use Thunderbolt, Pikachu!" Acquiescing, Pikachu shot out a concentrated bolt of electricity toward the unsuspecting baby chicken and knock it down. Torchic, although slightly rattled by the shock, quickly jumped back up and heard its trainer yell, "Torchic! Ember!"

Unfortunately, Torchic was not used to taking orders, so he decided that that moment would be an opportune moment to kick some dirt and take a nap. "Hey! Torchic! Not cool!" yelled May.

Ash could not help but think how much May reminded him of himself all those years ago. _Must be a newbie_, he thought. Deciding to save them both time and frustration, Ash ordered another Thunderbolt from Pikachu. Pikachu let loose a storm of electricity that turned Torchic into a form worthy of Colonel Sanders.

"No…" May cried, as she sadly summoned her fallen Pokémon back into its home. "I guess you win. You sure know your stuff, huh?"

Ash shrugged, trying to appear modest but failing greatly.

"Where are you going, anyway?" May asked Ash.

Ash then realized that he really had no idea where anything was in Hoenn. "I dunno…I guess to wherever the closest Pokémon Gym is."

"Oh, that's in Petalburg City. It's only a few miles from here. My dad's actually the gym leader there!" she said proudly.

So, through unspoken consent, Ash and May walked together through the forest, prepared for excitement and adventure in a new land.

* * *

Yes, I have decided to continue this. Some reviews would help me along, though... (hint, hint). Also, Miror B. and Evice are from Pokémon Colosseum, in case you didn't know. I know the story's moving a little slowly, but it'll all come together soon enough. So, until next time (which hopefully won't be a year and a half), enjoy, and don't forget to review on your way out! 


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